How To Spot A Lagos 'Runs' Babe

When did the word 'Runs' get on the map? Well nobody knows for sure, the only thing I know is that sleeping with married men got on my radar after I read about the 'Lewinsky Scandal.'
So I decided to write about a common phenomenon in my city Lagos, called 'Runs' Aka 'Parole' Aka 'Professional Mistress(es)'.
 I did an in depth research on this subject and came up blank and unsatisfied with my results. So I watched some Nollywood movies and went through Nigerian Instagram. There's always a fight between 'Runs girls' on instagram, they even openly insult themselves on social media. With comments like;

"Oh @SugarBabyCrankberryJuice everybody knows that it was Alhaji Hassan that bought that range rover for you. And the house in Lekki @HotBadGirlRiri told me you sleep with him when his wife is out of town"

I promise you, I see comments like that all the time. This is not a joke. Take this seriously. So in my mind I envision Monica Lewinsky who is from a very affluent family in Southern California. AKA she was born with a silver spoon, a university graduate of Psychology. Prior to her affair with Bill Clinton the President of the United States of America at the said time, she had an affair with another married man before she was linked with bill clinton. (So maybe she had a thing for married men. We can't say if she was doing it for money, which is highly unlikely seeing as she had/has a trust fund and dined in Beverly hills before she met the former President.
Anyways, so after all that research on Monica Lewinsky's background. I have come to a final conclusion. There are indeed different grades and types of these class of Ladies. With my little understanding and limited exposure I'll like to explain what I mean.
1. The Professional Mistresses
These type of women are not interested in the financial gain, they are the type of women that are of a very different type of breed if I must say. These women are fully aware that the men they have their eyes on are married men, but because they are in love or are seeking a gain, like a merger of her multi million naira company with his multi billion naira company.
Or a contract. They pay no mind to the relationship status of these men.
In most cases these women are from affluent homes and have proper education. So in my opinion they are more expensive. She won't ask you to buy her a range rover (she already has a range rover) you'll buy her boats, priceless artifacts, take her to New York for the fashion week. She's the type of woman that buys things off the runway.
2. Parole babe AKA 1800 Choke that hoe.
These are the sort of women you have your PA organize for you. Like take for instance a successful businessman that is always on the move from one city to the next or one country to the next. These men get lonely and bored in their hotel rooms, so they need a lady for the night with a backpack.
Backpack because, this said lady needs her supplies because she's going to stay the whole weekend.
Sometimes she might have to come with a friend or two depends on the man in question sexual preference. (That is not our business now)
She knows her place, she doesn't care if you're married to a woman or mermaid her job is to please you for the weekend. And if she is 'presentable' she can act as an escort to events you have lined up for the weekend. She can't be a non drinker or smoker.
For the length of time she is under your service, she has to entertain and amuse you to your satisfaction.
If you ask her any questions, it is; 'Yes I will', 'Yes I can'.
These Ladies earn a decent fee, depends on the man's financial buoyancy.
They are not retain able, and they are not allowed to collect phone numbers of the men or contact information. After the weekend it is over and done with.
3. The Runs Babe AKA #MissYouCantSeatWithUs
*drumroll* Most of us are very familiar with these class of women, because they are everywhere! They are by your side, in your churches, in your favorite beauty parlor, on your coffee table right now. (I'm kidding)
A runs babe, Is the type of woman that has sexual relations with a man, (married, single, hermaphrodite, trans gender) and collects money/perfumes/phones  from him at the end of the said act. But this is the twist, she doesn't just have one particular man that she does this with, she has various men in various geographical locations. A runs babe is in denial, because she hates being tagged as a runs babe, she wants to be called a professional mistress or a girlfriend. But she is not.
These Ladies, are comfortable with the most mundane things, like they are at their happiest when they buy expensive hairpieces, shop on instagram boutiques, take photos in intercontinental Hotel, have lunch at Radisson Blu, go to Palms to see a late night movie, trips to Dubai (they like Dubai), get many likes on Instagram, change DP's constantly on their blackberry phones, twitter followers and WEDGE sneakers.
Yes, they get call backs from their Aristos and the works.
They are not expensive at all. At all.
This is not a diss article. I am simply writing on trending issues. I do this for the art and your entertainment. It is believed that a high percentage of these type of women live in Lekki phase 1. I don't know how true this is, but with this extensive guidelines I've given I think I have opened a can of worms in every household.

"Lagos Weed Comes From The Devil"

Many of you might not like this, but I seem to think weed is good. Marijuana was put on this earth for strong brothers in the hustle, who need a little high from time to time. It is not a drug, neither should it be banned and its smokers stigmatized.
All weed, except the ones in Lagos. Lagos weed is from the devil, and I’ll tell you why.

Growing up in different cities, I was brought up as a good kid. I was told never to swear, curse my neighbour, use the Lord’s name for shit, nor covet my brother’s toy. I was obedient.
I scored the almost the highest marks for the best behaved kid. I didn’t score the highest because I developed early, the ability to transact sexual business with girls. I always arrived school armed with a jar of sweets. I offered them to girls on the school playground so they could raise their skirts for me to see their pants. I was born with the genes of a pimp.

Growing up, the commands from my dad changed. I was told not to have sex (which I disobeyed each chance I got), nor smoke, nor drink alcohol. The sex part was hard to keep up with. But the alcohol and cigarettes, I stayed away.
Now with no one threatening knock me over the head if I disobey, I still haven’t had my first smoke. But I always admire people who smoke, not cigarettes, but weed. Cigarettes irritate me, but weed, I like.

Weed smokers in others cities make me laugh. They smoke with a certain passion and utmost belief in their plant. They just sit still, meditate, take a drag, inhale, spit it out, and think for a second. I love to think that during intense sessions of weed, these smokers find the true meaning of life, which they forget the moment their weed is exhausted.

But Lagos weed smokers make me believe that hell is real. There has to be a special place for the souls of Agberos with their unwashed bodies, brown teeth and loud laughter.
When Agberos smoke weed in Lagos, they don’t discover the true meaning of life. They discover new ways to disturb the peace of the state. They wake up early, even before the first cock takes a piss, and they smoke big brown joints. Then they spit, and run around town.

I once spent 5 minutes with an Agbero who just smoked weed, and watched his favourite football team, Chelsea FC, lose a game. He never recovered.
‘Selsi Oh!’ he cried, and took a long drag.
‘Why Selsi lose this match na?’, he asked the skies. Only his burning weed replied him.
He was black, he was dirty. He smelled of rotten fish, and above all, he smoked Lagos weed.

That weed surely comes from the devil.

“Lagos Girls Don't Want To Chop Your Money”

Lagos girls can be called a lot of things. Dumb, smart, funny, cheap, expensive, ugly, fine, literate, tush, kpako...whatever. But you know what? None of that is true. Lagos girls are the most beautiful creatures on earth. I feel this way for now, maybe until I go to Brazil, and soak myself in all those hot booties and high-rounded buttocks. But for now, let's stick with our lovely Lagos girls. Na food wey dey your front wey you go chop!

People call Lagos girls all sorts of names, but to be fair, you only get the kind of girls you do because of the way you are. If you're tush, tush girls come to you, if you're the guy who drinks Alomo on the daily, and smoke weed without any iota of Ajebutterism in you, then brother, don't go on your knees hoping God will send you Genevieve Nnaji. If you get a whore, then give thanks to Jah Almighty.
First, let's talk about the issue of money. Attack me if you want, but most Lagos girls do not want your money. Maybe the student girls need the cash, but good luck to you if you're an honest working class guy, and find yourself attracted to the funny accents and formings of the young women from UniLag, with pointy breasts, and tempting arses, then my brother, you are surely on the highway to your village. Broke, penniless, and dry. They will suck your money and give it to their handsome, bubbly student boys with more swag, and energy.

I'm not saying you should never date a student. God forbid! Students deserve all the love they can get. All I'm saying is that you should respect yourself and your career, and allow the students date the students. Let the broke students date broke students. Let them sneak out of their hostels, drink garri, eat chicken and chips, hug themselves, and disvirgin themselves. Don't get into that equation, unless you have a good career ahead of you as an Aristo Daddy. Then God bless your hustle.
Lagos girls do not want your money. No. All they want from a good guy is love and affection. If your wallet gets thrown open in the course of being a loverboy, then they'll love you more. Your ATM is not their prayer point. They look out for potential, and a good career guy who is sure to have all the skills and talent to one day be the millionaire. Those things last. Your present money might not.
So that's said. Let's go straight to the fun part. No Lagos guy is supposed to be single. Women plenty for Lagos. But the reason why many still stay single is because they have what the Non-Ajebutters call 'Big Eye' or 'Open Eye'. They want more than they deserve.
“That girl no get yansh, that girl no get yansh"....that was how my Uncle Aje died alone and sad at 60.

It's only in Lagos that an Agbero will go to church and pray for the woman of his dreams. And guess who she is? You will expect an Agbero to pray for a fellow Agbero woman, with thick yam legs, and an annoying 'H' speech factor. But no! He'll pray for a supermodel girlfriend, with plenty of money and a big shiny car.

I believe wealth is a relative term, subject to individual meaning and interpretation. Success is best described in a number of ways that do not in any way become the same for different people. So let's clarify this.
By the Nigerian societal standards, I won't be called a rich man. Even though I live in my independent personal space, have over 5 close personal relationships, a fairly decent job, and a family who love me to nuts, but in Nigerian terms, I will never be called a 'rich' man.
But I still get girls, perhaps way more than my fair share of women, and I am not rich. Neither do they 'chop' my money. Maybe because I have a specific way of dealing with women, or they just love me to pieces, and never ask for money, but when I look closely, it's just my way of dealing with women that makes me a candidate for love, and not a tool for practical parasitology.
So for all the good old angry, frustrated men of Lagos state and beyond that think that not spending money on women makes me the Antichrist, I am going to share some of my secrets on how I achieve so many women, but never have to spend all my salary on them.

• Never Date A Broke Lagos Girl

This is the first mistake many Lagos dudes make. Just because she's pretty, wears nice clothes, smells like a Parisian Garden, and laughs hard at all your dry jokes does not mean you should collect her number.
The economy is hard. Many girls are broke these days, and since firms are not looking to employ half-baked graduates, and parents are not ready to feed their adult babies, the girls need to survive. They need to come up with a hustle, that feeds and clothes them all.
You Are That Hustle!
If you fall into a relationship with a broke girl, you automatically become her job. Your small salary becomes 'our' salary, and your life become linked to her. She will be eager to please, give you the best sex ever, but your life begins to go downhill. Avoid these types.

• Never Bring Out Your Wallet The First Time You Meet

This sends the wrong message, even to a decent lady. Sell yourself first as a sincere individual, not as Santa Claus or the Senator's last born. She'll appreciate that. Never pay her fare, or offer to buy her stuff. You might argue that doing so will make her know that you are a 'giver', you're not stingy, and you can share. But those aren't the first things she should be thinking about you. How about thoughts like, 'He's such a funny guy', or he's so chaming and sexy, or he's cute when he laughs.'.
I'll take those ones any day, over 'He's so awesome when he opens his wallet'.

• Don't talk about your job...

...except if it's a flashy job, like mine that is interesting, and makes you meet lots of interesting people who will be of interest to the girl. If you have to talk about it, make it funny and interesting, not rich and important. If you are important, she'll notice anyway. Don't make it who you are. Sell yourself, not your source of livelihood.

• Make her see you the way you are. Don't form. Forming can only make her expect more from you...and your small salary.
• Be sure to come across as ambitious and forward-thinking. Lagos girls like a guy who can sound like he will be the CEO of a Multinational firm one day. Tell her your plans for the future. Even if you are a ne'er-do-well. Fake it until God blesses you.
• Take her money, when she offers it. But don't ask her for it. Form small too. Girls are very caring beings, and they will like to show how much they care about you, even if it means spending their money on your needs. When you hit a rough patch, and she's still with you, just complain to her. She'll offer you money. Reject it, form, tell her thank you. She will press, and only when she offers the third time should you accept it. Never accept it on the first try, or ask for it, or else you will be called a 'gold digger'.
• Be faithful to her...at least in her presence. When a Lagos girls know that you are faithful to her, and the big asses of other Yoruba women do not appeal to you, then she will grow a conscience, and not eat your money. She will know that you are 'together', and won't do anything to run you down.

Finally, if you do everything above, and your girlfriend still wants to only chop your money, then take her for deliverance, or leave. If that behaviour repeats with another woman, then accept your faith. The lord is grooming you to be an Aristo Baba.

“Shoki Almost Ruined My Life"

I walk the streets of Lagos and a certain dance rules the air. The clubs, parties and celebrations have all been infected by what seems like a dance move.
A dance move that almost disgraced, and ultimately broke my poor waist.
“Shoki mi shoki”. Ah Eazy!
 
Since the first day I received the mail that had the dance video, and saw it on Youtube, my life has never remained the same. I quickly shut down my laptop in sweat and fear, because I know the world will catch onto this. It was too stupid not to be loved by the Nigerian public.
Now Shoki is all over the country, and people are dancing in various forms. I still don’t know the basic step of the dance, and that’s because I have tried to learn from many people, and each of them has a different opinion. For many, the white handkerchief is a necessity. Others say you start the dance move like an imbecile, with an irrational look that would attract T.B Joshua’s deliverance, then you begin to move like a demon-possessed individual.

Others say you can never truly get the Shoki dance unless you throw a somersault, and then wipe your face with a dirty handkerchief. Guess they learnt theirs from a mad man, right before he committed suicide by snapping his neck on a failed somersault attempt. God forbid!
Somehow, after my study with various groups, I finally settled for a dance routine by a group that made it look easy. An easy Shoki was the only way out for my fat self. I said my prayers, gathered my guts together, and dutifully learnt the moves in front of the mirror…but little did I know that the mirror, isn’t the most perfect place for shoki moves.

2 months later I found myself in a competition at the prestigious Education hall, located at the faculty of education, Universit of Lagos. The competition was good, the women were pretty, and the mood was right for turning up. I also had a fine lady by my side(names withheld), and was quick to impress.
All over, people were displaying amazing dance steps, and my lady began to show her admiration ‘on code’, for the dancers. Disturbed and keen to impress, I stood, and stretched.
“Honey, what are you about to do?” She was interested now. Aha! I have her undivided attention. God bless me.
“It’s Shoki time baby, and I’m about to knock this fat off me. I know a million shoki moves and it’s time to display”. My chest was pumped ready for the dance.
I straightened myself, made my imbecile face, and began to nod to the rhythm. Got the flow, and the bounce, and started with the basic moves.
“Oya make we shoki, shoki shoki”. The DJ’s music was on point.
After about 5 minutes of the basic move, my girl was beginning to tire of me, so I spiced things up, and made the resolution to bring out the dangerous move.

“Baby watch this bad move. My Shoki is bad”.
That was when she decided that i should display my "amazing" shoki moves in front of the audience. I foolishly agreed. I took a deep breath, and prayed for God’s mercy. Then I turned, and twisted and bent low. Just then I heard a slight snapping sound around my pelvis, and I knew I had done myself in.
I had failed to impress and i was so humiliated. My Shoki had killed me.
“Guy na Shoki do you this thing abi” asked a friend by the name Echepops.
“My brother, yes”. I was in pains, not from the broken pelvis but from the humiliation.

"Weather Controller" Vows To Disrupt Akunyili's Burial With Rains

Chief Fredrick Dike, a respected world weather controller from Ifiteani village Agulu and kinsman of late Dora Akunyili’s husband vowed to disrupt the tomorrow’s burial ceremony.

Dora Akunyili
The former Minister of Information, Prof. Dora Akunyuli, passed away June 7 at the age of 59 and the ceremony is scheduled to take place August 28. However according to Vanguard today Dike promised to use his mystical power to disrupt the ritual in Agulu, Anaocha LGA, Anambra State.

Explaining his claim Dike said that the late ex-minister’s husband and other state officials went behind him to meet other rain makers in the town without recognizing him as the best rain maker of the state:
“Dora, herself is also my wife and we are all sharing in the pain of her death but since they sidelined me in controlling the weather, they will see rainfall tomorrow (That is Thursday) and throughout the week unless they do the needful. Let it also be on record that I am not insisting on loosing the heaven tomorrow because I was not consulted but because they went to see other rain makers with lots of gift items to control the weather which they know I can do without charging anything. We shall test powers tomorrow.”

Dora Akunyili, the former Director General, National Agency for Food, Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC) is widely recognized as a woman of substance, who lived the life in the service of her country. She could have celebrated her 60th birthday on July 14, however this was not destined to happen because of her 2-year-long battle with cancer.
Nigerian top dignitaries, including President Goodluck Jonathan, paid tribute to the Great Woman at the Requiem Mass held in Abuja.

"Ebola Fever No Fit Catch Agbero"

I am an Ajebutter. Not by birth, or by formings, or by swag – I am simply an unapologetic Ajebutter by default. I didn’t choose to be born one. God, without seeking my opinion (because He’s God, I guess), gave me the genes of an Ajebutter and a funny Bri-Merican accent . By luck or some twisted work of fate, fortune, Karma (I might have killed ten defenseless puppies in my past life) or destiny, I have found myself in Lagos, crazy Lasgidi, and this is my story…

Hurrah! The Ebola fever is in the country...or so the media said. And since I'm a part of the mainstream media, then, it's what I said. Of all the places to die in Africa, Patrick Sawyer chose Lagos. That must be a sign, right?

A sign that we've a lot of things wrong. People would quickly point to the obvious ills. Bad management, corruption, lack of jobs, roads, schools, GEJ, and APC. Those and more. But I don't really care. This Ajebutter called Ezekiel Bassey has been a local government onto himself, providing for his basic amenities and needs without government aid, and that was long before Patrick Sawyer died of Ebola then. So why now?

I walk through the streets of Lagos checking out places, trying to find out how the Ebola fever is checking us out too. I find nothing. Surprisingly nothing. The world is still at peace, Lagos is still thriving, busy as ever at the only thing it knows how to do best – being Lagos.

The streets didn't disappoint. Agberos were still out in full strength, with weed and Alomo, hustling with their bad manners, and trying as much as possible to ignore Ebola. I go out on a limb to one of them.

'Bros how far na, this Ebola never catch you?'

'Ebola ni, Bola ko! How e wan take affect this small bar wey I wan collect?' And then he made the powerful statement: 'Ebola no fit catch Agbero.' He declared.

Well, at least I tried. The situation is calm. Agberos in Lagos can never catch Ebola Fever. I have received a powerful declaration, and it sadly didn't cover me. I am not an Agbero, and Ebola hasn't granted me ignorant immunity. Wicked Ebola.

But why can't Ebola infect the Agberos? Have they got some hidden power? For all the Agberos in Lagos that made contact with Patrick Sawyer, none of them has the virus. Perhaps their way of life has given them immunity. Immunity from all the nonsense that comes from the tush people. They can't be bothered. Man must survive.

Perhaps if you drink enough Alomo to make the Atlantic ocean look small, and smoke enough weed to get Africa high, then run around in the sun, or hang in the street with just enough dumb arguments and shouting, watch street fights and cheer from the crowd, or threaten passers-by with blows and theft, then Ebola might just pass you by.

The bad ones live longer right? And the good ones die many times before their time. That's how the world keeps itself in balance, and Ebola also understands this basic law of Earth.

For me, I'll keep to myself. If you see me down the street, and you happen to recognize me, don't dare approach me with a hndshake, or worse, a hug! I already assume everyone's infected and dying.

But I won't die! Ebola fever no fit catch Ajebuttter too!

For once, in this case, what is good for the Agbero, is also good enough for the Ajebutter. Ebola, I dare you to stop my hustle...at least I have TB Joshua on standby.

Floating School in Makoko Slum Nominated For Global Design Of The Year

Al Jazeera’s new series Rebel Architecture uncovers the architects who are shunning the glamour of ‘starchitecture’ and using design to tackle the world’s urban,environmental and social crises. The series premieres on 18 August 2014

• 

  The floating school in Makoko was made by Kunle Adeyemi 
• The floating school was labelled “illegal” by the authorities and threatened with demolition. 
• The school earlier this year, was nominated as Design of the Year by London’s Design Museum. 

play Nigerian architect and urbanist Kunlé Adeyemi partners with coastal slum communities to pioneer floating buildings.

Nigerian architect and urbanist, Kunlé Adeyemi, is one of six ground-breaking international architects profiled. His episode, Working on Water, focuses on his partnerships with coastal slum communities to pioneer floating buildings, including a school at sea in Makoko waterfront in Lagos and a floating radio station in Chicoco in Port Harcourt.
There was a mass government demolition targeting Makoko’s 250 000 slum dwellers in July 2012, while last year Kunlé’s floating school was labelled “illegal” by the authorities and threatened with demolition. The school only received federal approval earlier this year after it was nominated as Design of the Year by London’s Design Museum.
The residents of both Makoko and Chicoco live in fear of demolition but Kunlé believes that forced evictions are not the solution, “There are hundreds if not thousands of Makokos all over Africa,” he says. “We cannot simply displace this population; it’s important to think about how to develop them, how to create enabling environments for them to thrive, to improve the sanitation conditions, to provide the infrastructure, schools and hospitals to make it a healthy place.”
He says the idea of floating structures came out of his discussions with the community about how to resolve the challenges of flooding and of building into marshy, muddy soil.
“I’ve spent a large part of my career developing an expertise on high profile, large scale projects – museums, corporate headquarters for international organisations, skyscrapers,” says Kunlé. “My belief is that in developing Africa we need to find solutions that can be developed by the grassroots, through the grassroots, and achieve the same level of significance as we have on the high-end projects.”
The Al Jazeera Rebel Architecture episode, Working On Water, was directed by South African Riaan Hendricks, whose breakthrough documentary, The Devil’s Lair, won seven international festival awards last year.
Working on Water premieres on 15 September 2014.
Other episodes in Rebel Architecture explore guerrilla architecture in Spain (18 August 2014); disaster relief shelters in Pakistan (25 August 2014); the role of architecture in the Israeli occupation of Palestine and the evolution of urban warfare (1 September 2014); an attempt to return greenery to Vietnam’s choking cities (8 September 2014); and an informal builder in Rio’s favelas (22 September 2014).

“This series challenges our conceptions of architecture and design and the way we cover them in the media,” says Giles Trendle, Director of Programmes at Al Jazeera English. “With surprising and inspiring stories from all over the world, it’s completely unlike any other programme on architecture.”